I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
Randomize
