sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Randomize
