so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
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