I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
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