had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
this hospital has no fireball
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Randomize