i permit you to call me
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
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