I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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