if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
