Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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