Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
I love you.
Bad choice
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
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