she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
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