You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
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