i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
