My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
Randomize
