I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
So not only did team sweden fail to particpate in any drinking game but i also found puke in my viking helmet this morning.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
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