Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
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