the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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