She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
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