The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
