she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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