pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
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