I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
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