im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
Hippo gnu deer
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
