I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Randomize
