I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Randomize