I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
