i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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