I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
