Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Randomize
