remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
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