Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
GO HOME AND LIKE EVERYTHING ON COLT'S FACEBOOK UNTIL 2007.
Wtf it's a Friday night?
PRIORITIZE.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Randomize
