I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
