pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
Randomize
