Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
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