listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
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