The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
