She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize
