I just pynch a tree in the face
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
