Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
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