The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
