were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
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