when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Randomize
