Those kids are glorified dude-bros. It's banal.
Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
im six kinds of drunk right now
doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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