so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Randomize
