If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
