What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
