We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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