Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
how do flat chested girls get laid?
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
I HOPE YOU ENJOY THIS VDIEPO BECAUSE I AMS ENDIONG A LOKT OF EFFORT RECORIDNG IT
I ONLY PARTIALLY KNOW WHAT YOU SAID. BUT I THINK I WILL LIKE IT.
I effort
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
