eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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