how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
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