the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
Randomize
