I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
