Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
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