we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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