i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Randomize
