Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
