he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
Randomize
